Funny Quotes

Funny Advice
Funny American History
Funny Birthday
Funny Love
Funny Marriage
Funny Men
Funny Wedding
Funny Women

"Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases."
Milton Berle

"Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
Victor Borge

"I made a wrong mistake."
Yogi Berra

"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
Julia Child

"It's like déjà vu, all over again."
Yogi Berra

"I wouldn't ever set out to hurt anyone deliberately unless it was important -- like a league game. - [Former Chicago Bears Linebacker]"
Dick Butkus

"Each section of the British Isles has its own way of laughing, except Wales, which doesn't."
Stephen Leacock

"We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight."
Milton Berle


"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
Lily Tomlin

"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog."
Franklin P. Jones

"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."
Yogi Berra

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde

"The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer."
Victor Borge

"The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet."
Oliver Herford

"A hard man is good to find."
Mae West

"Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad."
W. C. Fields

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Joe Theismann,

"Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake."
W. C. Fields

"The day I made that statement about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the camcorder."
Al Gore

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
Mark Twain